Had a therapy appointment today...

Feb. 19th, 2013 at 5:38 PM

Today my therapist told me that I don't really work full-time and I need to look for a full-time job. It was extremely hard to hold back from screaming at her. What the hell does she think I've been doing since July? Though lately all the internet job postings I see are from the same companies that I already know don't want to hire me. (I usually send an application anyway, but there isn't much point.)

I told her if I don't find a better job or a second job by June I'm going to kill myself. I think she thought I didn't mean it, but she's wrong. Or maybe she thinks it doesn't matter because I'll find something by then, but I'm pretty sure she's wrong on that too. She says it's "my hopelessness talking" a cheesy little phrase that doesn't indicate what reason I have to hope for anything when life just keeps kicking me in the teeth over and over again.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music:Die Ärzte - Geh mit mir

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( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

speaky_bean

Feb. 20th, 2013 02:24 am (UTC)

I can understand why you feel hopeless at this point. Your life sounds incredibly difficult to deal with, and I definitely don't blame you for getting discouraged. I hope that you can find something worth hanging on for, whether it's a job or something else. I wish you the best of luck, and I'm really sorry that you're feeling so awful. *hugs*

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rosehiptea

Feb. 20th, 2013 03:17 am (UTC)

*hugs* Thank you. I'm sorry I keep complaining. I'm just at the end of my rope here and I don't know what to do. People keep telling me to get out of L.A. because it's so expensive and they're right but what if I went somewhere else and couldn't find a job there? I don't have much to live on.

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speaky_bean

Feb. 20th, 2013 04:16 am (UTC)

It's okay! If this is what you're going through, this is what you're going to talk about. I'm glad that you can use your journal as an outlet. Moving out of LA might be a good idea, but I understand your hesitance...I'm also from a huge city, and the idea of moving someplace else is terrifying for the exact same reason. There are fewer jobs, and the process of moving is expensive. Are there cheaper neighborhoods in LA that you could look at?

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rosehiptea

Feb. 20th, 2013 04:55 am (UTC)

I want to live close to the Orange Line bus line since I have no car right now, but there are definitely some cheaper neighborhoods near it. (Rich people don't like mass transportation going through their neighborhoods. I mean, I specifically remember them pitching a fit over this particular line. Heh.) But I looked through Craigslist and the price of rented rooms has gone way up, plus I really can't even afford a cheap one unless I get more work.

I should probably buy a car so I could get home health work but it would take all of my savings and if I didn't get work I'd be screwed. I don't even know what to do at this point.

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erin_c_1978

Feb. 20th, 2013 04:10 am (UTC)

*tight hugs* Honestly, I'm starting to think your therapist kind of sucks. :-/ Please hang on. I'm so sorry you're going through this shit.

I wish there was more I could do.

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rosehiptea

Feb. 20th, 2013 04:50 am (UTC)

She's usually OK but I'm not sure why she started telling me stuff I already know today. I mean, I felt like she was thinking that it had never occurred to me that I need a better job, but maybe that wasn't what she was thinking at all. She also said I need to look for "a place I can afford." If I could afford a place I wouldn't be freaking out like this.

I guess that might be one reason to drop this insurance, since I do have my problems with her, but I don't know if the cheaper plans pay for therapy at all. And usually she's not that bad.

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cinnamontoast

Feb. 20th, 2013 01:39 pm (UTC)

IAWTC. Telling you that you should be looking for a full time job isn't helpful. Especially when it's clear that it's sort of the last thing you need to hear.

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rosehiptea

Feb. 21st, 2013 05:18 am (UTC)

It came off sounding like she thinks I don't want to work full time or something. I can't believe that's what she meant, but that's what it sounded like and it really enraged me.

But I kept that insurance anyway, because I need continued mental health and prescription coverage even more than I need money.

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dreamcowgirl

Feb. 20th, 2013 05:09 pm (UTC)

I can understand the feelings of hope fading. I have been looking for work it feels like a running in circles.

Big hugs and hope you find peace.

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rosehiptea

Feb. 20th, 2013 05:11 pm (UTC)

Thank you. I hope so too. And I really hope you find something good.

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amelia_seyroon

Feb. 20th, 2013 09:15 pm (UTC)

/huggles

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rosehiptea

Feb. 21st, 2013 01:23 am (UTC)

*hugs* Thank you.

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majolika

Feb. 21st, 2013 05:13 am (UTC)

oh Hannah I wish I could say or do something to help you somehow!
I understand that your therapist is often okay, but this ... was an insensitive befuddled asshole moment alright. You should have screamed at her!

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rosehiptea

Feb. 21st, 2013 05:17 am (UTC)

Thank you. I'm glad at least that you care. But I feel pretty desperate right now. I wish I could say something else, be a happier person and not make people worry.

I don't know what she was getting at, saying that. Maybe she was trying to just show me the steps I need to take but it came off sounding like she hasn't been listening to a word I say.

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anglerfish07

Feb. 21st, 2013 09:47 am (UTC)

*hugs* I'm with majolika. I know your therapist is usually supportive, but implying that you weren't searching for full time work (when you already are) was really tactless. And her saying, "that's your hopelessness talking" was rather dismissive. Maybe asking her not to say those things to you in future might help? You have the right to do that. It's up to you, of course.

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rosehiptea

Feb. 21st, 2013 04:57 pm (UTC)

I will try to talk to her if she says things like that again.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like there's no point in living right now. The only things that really make me happy are Die Ärzte and Pokemon, and they only make me happy because right now I have a place to live.

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runningnekkid

Feb. 22nd, 2013 01:31 am (UTC)

If other people's advice made life any easier, then none of us would ever need therapists.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. But you're not worthless and you're not a burden. Please keep trying. It's not that someday you will succeed. You are succeeding, every day. It may not feel like it, but sometimes just breathing is all the work we can manage to do. Take care.

Also, here's something I wrote. Maybe you could relate? http://www.runningnekkid.com/my_%20best_self

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rosehiptea

Feb. 22nd, 2013 05:27 am (UTC)

Thank you. Yes, I can definitely relate to that. I do feel guilty because other people in worse circumstances have done so much more with their lives than I have. But when I try to tell myself I'm surviving... it's still hard.

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runningnekkid

Feb. 22nd, 2013 05:38 am (UTC)

Remember that while other people have different circumstances than you, they also have different resources, both internal and external.

Also, that was kind of stupid for your therapist to say. OF COURSE that is your hopelessness talking! It's like telling someone that their anemia is making them feel tired. DUH.

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rosehiptea

Feb. 22nd, 2013 05:48 am (UTC)

That's true. But people tell me I'm strong and I don't feel strong.

Yeah, she's not a terrible therapist overall but that was not her best day to say the least.

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( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

Had a therapy appointment today...

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